Kody's a Big Brother!!

Just four months after we lost Kody I found myself holding a positive pregnancy test. I can't put into words the feelings that I had at that moment. I was happy of the thought of having another baby, sad because I missed Kody, scared that something could go wrong and worried if the heart was developing correctly.



It was the day before Thanksgiving that I found out and we decided to wait till after the holidays to tell everyone. It was hard going through the holidays that should have been Kody's first. Instead we were decorating his head stone and buying memorial ornaments for his tree.





We did make it till the first of January before we told anyone. It's hard for a four year little girl to keep a secret that big too. It didn't take long before everyone was finding out.




I'll save the details till the end so you can meet the newest addition of our family.

The morning of July 27th we were scheduled for a c-section at 7:30 a.m. We arrived at 6:00 to finish my paper work and prep for surgery.

Katie had to feel my belly one more time before she meeting her brother.

Just moments before heading to OR

At 8: 11 a.m. I got to hear Kaleb's first cry and my heart just melted. I heard the doctor say he's got to be a ten pounder! Then before he went to be checked out I gave Kaleb his first kiss.

Out side "Big Sister" was so excited as she waited for Kaleb to come through the doors.

Then the doors finally opened and she gets to meet him for the first time.



The nurse calls back to tell us that he weighed 10 lb and 3 oz! 20.5 inches

With our history we asked that he be checked out from head to toe very carefully. It was about three hours later before he came back from the nursery.

I finally got to hold him in my arms for the first time. It was a bitter sweet moment as my heart had longed to hold my baby for so long.

You can see the joy that filled the room by the look on our face.

I love this picture! He doesn't look like he's just a few hours old.

I'll have to take a minute to brag on Katie. She has been the best big sister and so helpful. I can't even thank her enough for every thing that she does to help me. She is so wise beyond her years and quite the momma hen. Marc and I both try to give her extra attention and special dates with us since she's been so good. She has waited so long to be a big sister and I'm so proud of her for being so understanding when Kaleb needs so much care. So in the middle of all the diaper changing and bottle feedings we still squeeze in the time for Katie and her horse Smoke. She rode in her first horse show the week before Kaleb was born and got a First Place Ribbon. I'm looking forward to seeing her show next year.

For the last two months we've enjoyed spoiling Kaleb. As Katie says..."He's Mommy spoiled" He loves to be talked to and held of course. It's not all my fault because if I don't have him there's always someone else around that wants to hold him. I wouldn't have it any other way either. We seen Kody go through so much last year and wanted to hold him so bad and comfort him. Those days with him I learned to have patience and sometimes I have to remind my self of that too. The 26 days that God blessed us with him I had to learn that things don't happen the way we want but according to God's plan. I probably will never understand why Kody had to go through everything he did but I know that we will be reunited one day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him or how life would be if he were here. I know I would be one happy and busy Mom.

I can say that I'm one of the happiest mom's that you can meet. I love my kids and they are my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. I look forward to spending time and creating memories with them.

I would like to thank all my family and friends that have prayed for my family the last two years. It has been like a roller coaster ride for us. So many ups and downs but God has brought us through it all. I feel so blessed to have such great people in my life.

July 18th marks one year that Kody has left us. I have struggled thinking about the 26 days that God blessed us with him in our life. Looking back at pictures reading my blog and watching the videos that we made. I guess June and July will always be tough for us.

I remember those days that we were on auto pilot. We spent hours by his beside sleeping very little and eating even less. Holding on to every moment and hope that he was coming home to join his big sister. I cherish every memory that we had with him holding his hand, kissing his little cheeks and rubbing his feet.


I recall the night that we lost him like it was yesterday. We had such high spirits that he was on the road to recovery. He had over came so much and made it off the ecmo. It was hard to see your baby lay there with so many tubes and iv's and machine's. After surgery they didn't close his chest so we seen his little heart beat. We had left that night to take Katie out to eat during the nurse shift change. We were on our way back to the hospital when the nurse called and said they were doing an emergency proceedure. Our friends dropped us off at the door of the hosptial and we ran down the halls. I can remember the pain from the c-section as I ran but not slowing down. We were escorted to his room where doctors and nurses were busy around his bed. The looks on the nurses faces told me what was going on with out them saying a word. The doctors talked to us and gave us some choices. We were given the option to put him back on ecmo but he left us before we could try. That night Katie got to hold her brother for the first time as we said our good byes. That was the hardest night of my life.

We came home and felt like strangers in our own house. It had been weeks since we had been there and I couldn't remember where anything was. I know God has a plan for all of us and Kody's life is part of that plan. Someone gave us a card that read "Your children are the safest when you give them back to God". Its hard to loose a child but Kody I'll never have to worry about. God has healed him and there will be no more sickness. I never have to worry about him because I know he's in the arms of Jesus. I wished heaven had windows so I could see what he's doing. I know that we will be reunited one day and that gives me peace. We had so much love for him and he'll never be forgotten.

As for Katie one thing I didn't want her to go through is losing a loved one so young. Of course I don't have any control over that and I never dreamed that she would experience losing a sibling. She has just turned five and is wise beyond her years. She had wanted a brother for so long and took it very hard. When she talks about Heaven she tells me when she gets there she is going to sit in Jesus's lap and hold Kody. She has so many sweet things and talks about Kody all the time. She would have been a good big sister.

It's still hard to see babies that would be his age. I think all the time about the mile stones that he would have reached. Crawling, teething, walking, first words, and holidays. Right after we lost him I think there must have been dozens of babies born. It seemed like we couldn't go out to eat, get groceries or go out of town without getting right behind a newborn. I can't explain how hard that was when I longed for our son so much.

Love you children like there is no tomorrow. Spend as much time with them and make memories to last a life time. Katie is our world and when she grows up I want her to remember a happy childhood and lots of memories that we've made with her. One of the things that I want her to remember most is going to church. Learning that God is our Savior and through him we can enter the Kingdom of Heaven. We can be reunited with our loved ones.

It's hard to believe that it will soon be three months since Kody passed away. In ways it all seems like a dream and this never happened to us. Katie struggles daily some are better than others and she has so many questions that are hard to answer.

We did go over Kody's autopsy report with his cardiologist. We found out that Kody had a lot of damage to his lungs around the time he was put on the ecmo machine. His left lung had irreversiable damage. The central remaining region of the right lung was of limited size and unable to sustain life. We did learn that if Kody survived he would have only lived with one lung and had limited activites. He would have came home on oxygen. They also noted he had an Interrupted Aortic Arch, Double Outlet Right Ventricle (DORV), a large VSD (hole) and Pulmonary Stenosis.

We would like to thank everyone for all their prayers and support during Kody's surgery and passing. God has blessed us with wonderful friends and family. We'll never forget everyone's kindness.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. Remember your baby or a friend's baby by lighting a candle in rememberance.

www.october15th.com