July 18th marks one year that Kody has left us. I have struggled thinking about the 26 days that God blessed us with him in our life. Looking back at pictures reading my blog and watching the videos that we made. I guess June and July will always be tough for us.

I remember those days that we were on auto pilot. We spent hours by his beside sleeping very little and eating even less. Holding on to every moment and hope that he was coming home to join his big sister. I cherish every memory that we had with him holding his hand, kissing his little cheeks and rubbing his feet.


I recall the night that we lost him like it was yesterday. We had such high spirits that he was on the road to recovery. He had over came so much and made it off the ecmo. It was hard to see your baby lay there with so many tubes and iv's and machine's. After surgery they didn't close his chest so we seen his little heart beat. We had left that night to take Katie out to eat during the nurse shift change. We were on our way back to the hospital when the nurse called and said they were doing an emergency proceedure. Our friends dropped us off at the door of the hosptial and we ran down the halls. I can remember the pain from the c-section as I ran but not slowing down. We were escorted to his room where doctors and nurses were busy around his bed. The looks on the nurses faces told me what was going on with out them saying a word. The doctors talked to us and gave us some choices. We were given the option to put him back on ecmo but he left us before we could try. That night Katie got to hold her brother for the first time as we said our good byes. That was the hardest night of my life.

We came home and felt like strangers in our own house. It had been weeks since we had been there and I couldn't remember where anything was. I know God has a plan for all of us and Kody's life is part of that plan. Someone gave us a card that read "Your children are the safest when you give them back to God". Its hard to loose a child but Kody I'll never have to worry about. God has healed him and there will be no more sickness. I never have to worry about him because I know he's in the arms of Jesus. I wished heaven had windows so I could see what he's doing. I know that we will be reunited one day and that gives me peace. We had so much love for him and he'll never be forgotten.

As for Katie one thing I didn't want her to go through is losing a loved one so young. Of course I don't have any control over that and I never dreamed that she would experience losing a sibling. She has just turned five and is wise beyond her years. She had wanted a brother for so long and took it very hard. When she talks about Heaven she tells me when she gets there she is going to sit in Jesus's lap and hold Kody. She has so many sweet things and talks about Kody all the time. She would have been a good big sister.

It's still hard to see babies that would be his age. I think all the time about the mile stones that he would have reached. Crawling, teething, walking, first words, and holidays. Right after we lost him I think there must have been dozens of babies born. It seemed like we couldn't go out to eat, get groceries or go out of town without getting right behind a newborn. I can't explain how hard that was when I longed for our son so much.

Love you children like there is no tomorrow. Spend as much time with them and make memories to last a life time. Katie is our world and when she grows up I want her to remember a happy childhood and lots of memories that we've made with her. One of the things that I want her to remember most is going to church. Learning that God is our Savior and through him we can enter the Kingdom of Heaven. We can be reunited with our loved ones.